The Amazing Return of Arachnophobia
by Zatroopa
Summary: How did Arachne's return really turn out? What if Soul shipped a certain pairing? What would occur if no one actually bought Noah's act? Find out as Arachne returns from her slumber and prepares for a horrifying entire one and a half hours of sobriety at Crona's expense. Rated T for Sequel.


**The Amazing Return of Arachnophobia**

* * *

Horror was present on Maka's face as she remembered who had just left the golem that she thought they were fighting.

Arachne Gorgon. The most powerful enemy that Lord Death ever faced until Asura the Total Douchebaggy Kishin Who The Awesome Lord Death Totally Knew Was Evil, or Asura the Kishin for short. She had commanded an army that had the power to take over Central Europe until Lord Death faced her down in an epic battle which shaped the very area they fought on, she was supposed to be dead.

But she was right there, complaining about a lack of alcohol.

"Giriko, I asked for a few simple thing. BOOZE WAS ONE OF THEM!" Arachne was pretty damn pissed off with her cohort right now, he failed in a few minor instructions which resulted in said rage.

"I have booze."

Oh Giriko, why did you forget that Arachne holds your type of liquor to the lowest degree possible.

"CARBONATED PISS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" She began to throw said bottles said her Weapon as he tried to avoid the wrath of probably the _only _person who didn't get weaker during the past 800 years because of Soul Inbreeding or age.

Soul could only stand there looking shocked, for some reason, as he had the urge to help throw said bottles at Giriko. Maybe it was because the genetic loyalty towards Arachne was getting to Soul because his damn ancestor just had to join her.

At least, that would be his story. People looked down on breasts being the reason for defection.

"Maka..." Crona could only squeak out at the sight of his first friend being paralysed like that. A stern look soon appeared on his face and he prepared to battle Arachne, she may be more powerful then Medusa and he was now far weaker ever since he lost his-Crona did not plan this very well.

Sword clashed with fan as Ragnarok could be heard vocally complaining about losing to a fan while Arachne's eye widened at what she then saw the face of Medusa's child. While Medusa looked obnoxious and bratty during her teenage years, Arachne had to raise that one, Crona looked soft and cute but with a strong side as well, Arachne slowly produced a seductive smile.

"Hello, Crona. I would like to talk to you." She moved her free hand onto Crona's back as she then began to move lower and lower down his body until...

"GET YOUR HUSSY HANDS OFF HIM!" Maka angrily cried out as she saw Arachne's hand squeezing Crona's buttocks, much to his vocal protesting, and turned to Soul. "Do something!"

Soul was currently distracted by the fact that he was starting to enjoy the sight of Crona being sexually assaulted by Arachne, which caused him much shame.

"I won't be able to, as long as she has that chainsaw guy over there." Said chainsaw guy was a lot less threatening when gaping at the sight of Arachne toying with Crona while he didn't get shit.

Anger entered Maka's eyes as most of her attention was focused on trying to blow Arachne's head up with her glare. "So we can only watch as Arachne tortures Crona?"

"Unfortunately." Soul did not sound all that upset and tried to find a way to enjoy what he was seeing. "Close your eyes, you don't need to see this."

He wasn't going to risk getting the world's most powerful Maka Chop for a few memories.

"But what about you, Soul?" Maka was concerned, if both of them looked away then what was stopping Arachne from kidnapping Crona and doing horrible things to him.

"I'll make sure she doesn't go any further." Soul boldly said as Crona tried to wiggle his way out of Arachne's arms but she simply leapt onto the Golem and refused to let go.

Like hell she would let her booty get away.

Maka did not know of Soul's evil intentions and simply gave him a sympathetic look. "You're a good friend, Soul."

"Don't mention it." Someone else may catch on if she mentioned that bit. His Meister closed her eyes and Soul pulled out his phone, aiming the camera part towards Arachne and Crona. "Let's see here, there's the camera function."

"What?" Maka sounded suspicious, though it may have just been chainsaw guy.

He was sounding whiny to Soul.

"To provide evidence of Arachne's revival." He quickly responded as Maka seemed to believe him and did nothing while Arachne began to try and remove Crona's dress or robe or whatever that thing was.

"Noooo!" Crona cried out as he seemed to have the absolute worst luck in family members with a bitchy witch for a mother and pervy aunt. "Stop touching me there!"

"I can't help it, you're too cute when you do that." Arachne felt like a teenager again when she would see something adorable before it would get ruined by goddamn Medusa, as she tried to do with her Crona.

"Arachne? Hello?" Giriko asked in a vain attempt to get Arachne's attention or avoid the fact that she was basically going for her nephew.

Either way it seemed that the past 800 years were almost for nothing. Awesome.

"Ragnarok help!" The tiny Weapon tried to help but only succeeded in being a minor annoyance.

"That's fine. I only just MISSED OUT ON ALL THOSE AWESOME WARS!" Giriko had missed out on both damn World Wars, the second time it was like life was mocking him.

He could have killed people and be seen as a hero, for crap's sake!

So many Nazis he could have sliced apart.

"Going commando, Crona? I'm pleasantly surprised."

"Oh screw you! I don't even get one pity-fuck after watching over you for 800 years." He did it with Arachne a lot, yes, but she seemed to have lost all interest in him now, gone over to the next big thing.

He felt used and dirty.

"I don't know how to deal with this."

"So when he does it, he gets pushed in further but when I do it, I get a Arachne Chop?"

"Arachne Chop?" Maka's eyes shot open as Soul jumped in shock and Arachne rested her head on Crona's shoulders to give off her Super Evil Smirk of Doom(tm).

"Didn't you ever wonder where Lord Death got the idea from?"

"No...that can't be."

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

"NOOOOOOO-Stop doing that to Crona-OOOO!"

While everyone was either descending into either misery (Maka, Crona and Giriko) or lust (Arachne and Soul), Ragnarok seemed to be the only one with any form of rational thought, which was a very scary one, and was trying to think of a new course of action.

"How to take this?" He asked himself while stroking a chin that was no longer there because he was tiny now. "On the one hand, we could get laid. On the other, it's with your aunt and I have the feeling it won't be willing."

Crona did not have Ragnarok's patience. "Just get her off me-EE!"

Arachne just squeezed Crona's butt again but from under his robe/dress/thingamajig.

"Want some?" Giriko asked as he gave up trying to reach his comrade, obviously gone mad from centuries of isolation, and sat next to the paralysed Meister, offering some of his alcohol in a fair gesture of good faith.

"Thanks." Maka chose to keep to the guide and get stupidly drunk if facing Arachne and hope for the best. "Why?" She asked, pointing at Arachne as she persisted in trying to take off Crona's thingy and revealed a lack of undergarments.

A sigh of tiredness came from Giriko. "I think we all came out of that 800 years looking funny." He admitted as he could recall the point when nearly everyone had lost their minds and when he started to try and eat a chimney for no reason. "Mosquito's a midget, Arachne's a perv and I'm still the damn pedo!"

"What happened?" Maka felt a connection with this drunk, both of them saw themselves as the only sane people here, their partners were less fighting and more not doing anything and both wished that Arachne would get the hell of Crona so she felt that this guy deserved a fair hearing.

It wasn't like he was going to do anything to her.

"I was hitting on this girl in Constaninople-or it is Istanbul now-only to find that she was under-age." He finally said as he recalled the constant...never ending...taunting that had occurred because Shaula had a big mouth.

"That sucks. At least Soul is filming this for future reference of her return." Maka was deluding herself and she didn't even care.

"World War Two looked so fun." Giriko's lips were now wobbling as he remembered his lost strength. "I used to be able to take on _Asura _and do damn well."

Now he was sobbing into his hands and got more sympathy from Maka.

"Soul Inbreeding yourself 30 times can do that." She said to herself, recalling him mentioning that when he had so much more confidence in himself and fire.

That was when things got even stranger.

"DID SOMEONE SAY ASURA?" A loud voice cried out as everyone turned to see Justin Law with a guillotine for an arm and awesomesauce for a leg. "JUSTIN LAW, HERE TO ANNIHILATE FOR THE KI-DEATH, I said Death." That was not totally suspicious.

Giriko forced himself up and then looked at the priest guy, he knew that his time had now come and he had the chance to achieve some actual fighting. "You don't mind, I need to do this real quick."

"Go ahead, I'm not going anywhere." That got a few chuckles before the battle of amazinity began between the chainsaw and guillotine which will not be described because nyamu.

"SOUL! HELP ME!" Crona was now getting pissed off, he just needed to calm down, breathe and remember what Maka said about being mad and sociopathic.

"Don't worry, Crona, just a few more minutes."

"FUCK YOU!"

"I'm certainly ready for that sort of thing."

Arachne's attempt at getting jiggy with Crona aside, it was quite the miracle to see Crona _swear _at someone, let alone a friend of Maka's, and it inspired him to try and stab this bitch off him.

Wow, he could get angry.

"Why isn't the Black Blood working?" Arachne seemed offended at the idea that Medusa's cheap knock-off could actually work on her.

"I invented the damn concept, Medusa just acted like a backstabber to me and took the credit." Granted, she stole Eibon's idea of Demon Weapons but he never started it, she did and that meant Medusa was a backstabbing bitch and Arachne was still Mother of Demon Weapons.

"What ever happened to Viral?" Giriko asked out loud while in a deadlock with Justin.

"Do you care?"

"Nope."

Arachne saw that Giriko was now far weaker then he used to be 800 years ago and grimaced at what else that could mean for her. "If Giriko is like this then I shudder to think of what happened to Mosquito."

Speaking of attractive people...

"Why won't you let me go?" Crona sobbed as he now finally gave up and let Arachne continue to fondle him everywhere.

"Because I'm sober and need distraction." Arachne's face became one of fury at the memory of no high-quality liquor and decided that Crona's body would do. "I'm taking you home with me."

Crona's renewed struggle was now aided by Ragnarok as he devised his most ingenious scheme yet. "Crona, I have a plan." It was now Crona's only hope as Ragnarok raised his arms and struck. "GOUGE THE EYES!"

"Fuck!" Arachne cried out as she let go to try and rub at the pain-filled organs while Crona ran towards Maka.

"Maka!"

"Crona!"

"Iwastotallyaboutohelp!"

Soul was never one to not be tactical about these things, besides, he got what he wanted.

"Fuck this!" Giriko snapped as he did not want to be constantly reminded of his failings in terms of power and forced Justin back. "Let's get out of here."

Arachne hopped into Giriko's arms and the two sped off with Giriko's saws acting like skates for the two. "Fine, I hope Baba Yaga is still where it was."

"See ya Scythe Boy, Father McMolesty, Pinky and Maka!" A resolute middle finger was shown to show how Giriko felt about the group. "The former three can suck it!"

"That was weird." Justin finally admitted as the group all agreed to change the story to suit the more higher expectations they had when they got back to Shibusen, as the Oldest Golem then roared. "Oh yeah, let me just deal with this." Justin then leapt into combat and literally breathed out the gas form of awesome.

Because pupils aren't needed for awesomeness.

* * *

"Greetings, Lady Arachne." Mosquito bowed his head in respect towards his leader, now walking down a red carpet set out for her. "It has been a while." He was expecting Arachne to give him some quiet praise as she went towards the limo.

What he got instead was an incredibly annoyed and _sober _Arachne, which was something no one deserved to deal with.

"You've aged horribly and you now suck." Arachne growled out, confusing Mosquito until he noticed that the area lacked the smell of alcohol from Arachne's breath.

"You forgot the champagne didn't you?" Giriko never could be trusted with the liquor, there was a thousand years worth of alcohol and the Weapon probably drank all of it.

The middle finger of destiny was shown to Mosquito. "Screw you."

Arachne, however, was not in the mood to hear Mosquito and Giriko fight over who had the larger dick when she was without her buzz and very tempted to just butcher the whole lot of them.

"I hear the sounds of bitches whining yet I see no dogs." The warning seemed to reach Mosquito. He pulled out the finest champagne from his hat and offered it to Arachne. She downed the thing in an amazingly short amount of time. "Thank you."

With that, the three set of to Baba Yaga Fortress, Arachne's old sponsor had left it to her in her will and Arachne had intended for it to be a majestic bridge for the flagship of her sky armada, to use on any enemy who dared cross her. The vision came to her in a alcohol-induced dream and it would blind people that it was so fantastic.

"How is the army?" Arachne asked as they pulled up in front of the entrance to the network of caves and walked towards her castle, hoping to see a very large army.

She was not an idiot, she knew that most of them were either dead, too old to fight or just quit but she intended for them to have some type of army to use and someone was going to get Arachne Chop'd if they didn't deliver.

"Granted, we have lost the army of thousands..." Mosquito almost stopped when he saw Arachne raise her fan in a threatening fashion. "But their loyal descendants currently present number in the tens of thousands."

With a reveal of his hand, Arachne saw a large sea of black figures with white masks in ordered lines with a few figures in front of the formations. She felt tears in her eyes when she saw these loyal men praise her every name.

"A-RACH-NE! A-RACH-NE! A-RACH-NE!" The sounds of cheering men, women and monsters could be heard across the very caves and rainforest that protected Baba Yaga from enemy attack.

One of the figures in front of the formations approached Arachne, Giriko and Mosquito during this celebration and made himself acquainted. "Greetings, Lady Arachne." He made an elegant bow as the other figure quickly ran up when he saw that his master was not returning. "I am Eibon."

Arachne was starting to wonder who had let the nutjob in.

"No you're not."

"I am."

"At no point did Eibon have a hat like that or have a sidekick." She was pointing at the strange hat that this guy was wearing and at the teenager who was now pouting to the EXTREME!

Mosquito leaned against Arachne and gained her attention, whispering into her ear. "Just go with it, please." Arachne was wondering when they became the Cosplay Club instead of an organisation set to dominate the world. "He's resourceful and I think he is from the Book."

"Ah." Oh that made sense, he was a creation of the Book, best not to let him leave and ruin part of her reputation. "Welcome aboard, Eibon and..."

"Gopher." He then turned to the person who was calling himself Eibon with a look of adoration in his eyes the likes of which Arachne hadn't seen since Shaula. "Shall I fire a 'Noah-I mean Eibon has officially joined' blast?"

Before 'Noah' could get Gopher to shut up, Arachne's eyes widened. "You can do that?" She asked as now others gave her looks of confusion. "Hyperbeam, I mean."

Ever since she was a child, Arachne always wanted the power to wipe out entire areas with the attack known as Hyperbeam, it was the most powerful thing she could think of.

That look in Arachne's eyes meant bad things for Giriko.

"DAMNIT!" He cried out as he turned to one of the soldiers of Arachnophobia with a look of anger in his eyes. "SOMEONE BRING ME SOME BOOZE!"

"Y-yes sir!"

"Mosquito, Noah or Eibon or whatever, I'm adopting him now." Arachne announced as Mosquito did not look surprised, knowing of Arachne's dream for a while now, while 'Noah' just looked happy to get rid of him.

"Okay then."

"What?" Before Gopher could react, Arachne grabbed the boy and held him in her arms as she began to whisper in his ears the good news, the entire 1st Army of Arachnophobia breaking out in cheers once more at their leader's good fortune.

"You can help me steal your new cousin from those dicks at Shibusen." Gopher once again gave out a pout, but it was a Pout of Sorrow.

And this was the big threat that would soon bring fear into the hearts of Shibusen.

Trust me, they are more deadly then they look...I hope.


End file.
